How to Plan a Relational Aggression Small Group
Relational aggression in elementary and middle school often starts quietly. It might look like whispered comments about a classmate, subtle exclusion during group work, or friendships that feel conditional. These behaviors can be easy to miss, especially in busy classrooms where nothing appears overt or disruptive.
As school counselors, we know that just because something is quiet does not mean it is harmless. Relational aggression can have a lasting impact on students’ emotional well-being, peer relationships, and sense of safety at school. When left unaddressed, relational bullying can follow students beyond the classroom and show up later as relational aggression in the workplace.
The good news is that early, thoughtful intervention can make a meaningful difference. With the right support and structure, we can help students build healthier social skills, strengthen empathy, and learn better ways to navigate conflict.
Hi, I’m Rachel Davis! I’m a former school counselor with over 8 years of experience in the classroom. I specialize in creating easy-to-implement strategies for busy school counselors, and I am the counselor and curriculum designer behind Bright Futures Counseling, a community designed to offer counselors the support they need to feel confident serving their students well.
In this blog, we are going to take a closer look at relational aggression in elementary and middle school and how you can plan an effective relational aggression small group for your students needing tier 2 support.
What Is Relational Bullying?
Relational bullying, also known as relational aggression, is a form of social manipulation that harms someone’s relationships or social standing. Instead of physical behaviors, it often shows up through exclusion, gossip, rumors, or emotional manipulation.
If you have ever heard phrases like “You cannot sit with us” or “I will not be your friend unless you do this,” you have likely seen relational aggression in action.
This type of bullying can begin as early as preschool and often increases during the elementary and middle school years. Because it is subtle and socially complex, relational aggression is frequently dismissed as drama or typical peer conflict. In reality, it can deeply affect a child’s confidence, sense of belonging, and emotional safety.
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How Relational Aggression Shows Up at School
Relational aggression can take many forms, and it often changes depending on age and social dynamics. Some of the most common relational aggression examples include gossip, social exclusion, mockery, and online behaviors that mirror in-person bullying.
Gossip is one of the most recognizable forms of relational bullying, especially amongst girls. Students may spread rumors, exaggerate stories, or share private information to damage a peer’s reputation. Even when the information is not entirely false, sharing it with the intent to embarrass or isolate someone can be harmful.
Social exclusion is another common pattern. This may look like intentionally leaving a student out of games, group projects, or social events. Over time, repeated exclusion can lead to feelings of loneliness and low self-worth.
Mockery and teasing can also fall under relational aggression, especially when comments target a student’s abilities, appearance, or interests. What may be brushed off as joking can slowly chip away at a child’s confidence.
In today’s digital world, relational bullying often extends online. Cyberbullying can include posting exclusionary content, sharing images without consent, or intentionally leaving someone out of group chats or posts. These behaviors can be especially painful because they follow students beyond the school day.
Why Relational Aggression Deserves Our Attention
Relational aggression is not just a phase. Research has shown that students who experience social bullying may face long-term challenges with anxiety, depression, and peer relationships. These patterns can continue into adulthood, showing up as relational aggression in the workplace or difficulty navigating professional relationships.
For elementary and middle school students, these experiences can shape how they see themselves and others. When we intervene early, we give students tools that extend far beyond the classroom.
Planning an Elementary Relational Aggression Small Group
While general education teachers can do their best to include relational aggression lessons in their classroom SEL lessons, some students need additional tier 2 intervention, and this is where, as counselors, we can support both teachers and students.
Small groups can be a powerful way to address relational bullying in a supportive, structured setting. When done thoughtfully, these groups help students reflect, learn new skills, and practice healthier ways of interacting with peers.
Step 1: Determine If a Group Is Needed
Start by asking teachers and additional support staff to pay attention to patterns. Are certain students consistently excluded? Are conflicts centered around friendships or social status? Even subtle behaviors can signal relational aggression.
Trust your observations and ask for teacher input. You can easily create an online google form survey to send out to teachers.
You do not need to wait for behavior to escalate before offering support. Early intervention is often the most effective.
Step 2: Thoughtfully Choose Group Members
Relational aggression can involve any student, but research shows that relational aggression in females is more common during elementary and middle school years. While boys may show aggression more physically, girls often use social strategies to exert control or influence.
Look for students who show repeated patterns of social conflict, manipulation, or exclusion. This may include students who alternate between being aggressors and victims. Small groups work best when they focus on skill building rather than labeling behavior.
I love using this Relational Aggression: Girl’s Guide to Bullying Lessons and Activities in my small groups with elementary girls.
Step 3: Set a Supportive Foundation
Begin by clearly defining what relational bullying is in student-friendly language. Many students do not realize the impact of their actions or may see these behaviors as normal friendship issues.
Use relatable examples, stories, or short video clips to help students recognize relational aggression. Keep the tone calm and supportive, not accusatory. The goal is awareness and growth, not shame.
If you’re looking for relational aggression activities to help spark conversation, you may like this Relational Aggression Social Skills Card Game.
Step 4: Create Space for Reflection
Reflection is where real learning happens. Give students time to think about how it feels to be excluded, talked about, or pressured by peers. Encourage sharing, but never force it.
Ask open-ended questions like “How do you think that might make someone feel?” or “What would you want a friend to do in that situation?” These moments help students build empathy and perspective taking skills.
Step 5: Teach Practical Social Skills
This is where long-term change begins. Focus on skills like empathy, assertive communication, perspective taking, and problem solving. Practice what to say when conflict arises and how to seek help appropriately. I love using these Empathy and Perspective Taking Activities or this Empathy Scoot Game as a great way to break the ice in small groups.
For extra tier 2 intervention around the topic of empathy in middle school, I created this Middle School Empathy Small Group that is research based and ASCA aligned.
Teaching students how to respond when they see relational aggression is just as important as addressing those engaging in it. Empowering bystanders helps shift the overall classroom culture.
If you are looking for additional ways to teach empathy and perspective taking at the elementary level, check out this blog!
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Step 6: Reinforce and Revisit
Addressing relational aggression is not a one-time lesson. Revisit these skills throughout the year and collaborate with teachers to reinforce expectations in the classroom.
Consistent language and expectations help students transfer what they learn in small groups to real-life situations.
And if you’re a school counselor looking for relational aggression lessons that are ASCA aligned and already done for you, check out this Relational Aggression Small Group for Elementary Students or this Middle School Relational Aggression Class Lesson.
Final Thoughts: Taking a Proactive Approach to Relational Aggression
Relational aggression thrives in silence and inconsistency. When students know that adults notice, care, and respond with clarity, the power of social bullying decreases.
As school counselors, our role is not just to react but to build systems that support healthy relationships. Teaching empathy, perspective taking, and respectful communication early helps students carry those skills into adolescence and adulthood.
At Bright Futures Counseling, we believe counselors deserve practical, ready-to-use tools that make this work feel manageable. You are already doing important work by noticing the quiet behaviors and choosing to address them with intention.
Supporting students through relational aggression is not easy, but it is meaningful. And you do not have to do it alone!
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If you are looking for ready-made SEL lessons, planning support, and a community of counselors who understand the unique challenges of this role, you will love IMPACT, my monthly membership for school counselors.
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You do not have to navigate school counseling alone. IMPACT gives you the clarity, confidence, and tools to serve your students well all year long.
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